Toxic Friend on a Road Trip

Overview:

1. Some people are toxic to most people
2. Some people are just toxic to us (due to incompatible values, or they just treat us badly)
3. Some good people sometimes do toxic things (ourselves included)

I had an experience recently where an old friend needed a lift from me. He was willing to pay, for my trouble. I haven't seen this friend much in the past couple of years. On the few hours I spent with them, I learned that they have changed for the worse. They have become rude, disrespectful and arrogant, and have derogatory views about people with mental illness. He probably fits in category 2. above, although I suspect he agitates and puts down all the people in his life. I heard him being derogatory to his grandmother. Strangely, he dearly loves her, but is unaware of the way he puts people down.

I sent him some messages to tell him what I thought. This can probably be considered unwise, and in many ways it was, however in the past when I've bottled things up, I've moaned at other friends which is unfair on them. I am aware enough to know that he will probably perceive my behaviour as toxic, and indeed that might be a fair accusation. I find it difficult to not tell people about their bad behaviours.

People say that we should just distance ourselves, but then where does our anger and irritation go if we do this? Does the person ever learn about how we feel if we do this? A therapist might suggest we speak to them in a constructive way, however, therapists I have known in my life don't do this in their own lives, so it feels a bit theoretical.

Maybe it's healthy for two people to push each other away if they are causing each other emotional harm? In some ways, I regret telling him the truth in the way that I did, however in other ways it felt good. My behaviour would be deemed bad in modern society, however maybe it's better to be totally honest at times. He was cutting back to me, and I took his feedback on board about what he thinks about me. I will endeavour to take the hard lesson of his brutal truths, and hopefully he will do the same.

Maybe he will learn to become slightly less unbearable to others now I've said something, or maybe I wasted my time.

I wish I knew the best way to handle these situations.