Authenticity leading to self-respect
It has been said that depression is merely suppressed anger, others have said it is 'learned helplessness'. Well being authentic means we won't suppress anger, so that's the first potential issue sorted! The learned helplessness issue also eventually resolves with the authentic approach. This is because over time authenticity gives us greater self-respect.
How does this self-respect happen? Well your authentic self is actually the WHOLE of your being. It is the darker depths, and the positives and the negatives. It is totally you. Warts and all. In short this authentic way of being means that you are TOTALLY LISTENING to your WHOLE self! You are not rejection or suppressing any part of yourself. You have no fear of ANY part of your self! You don't even fear your fear!
This means that the part of you that has 'needs' (e.g. the need to assert and protect yourself against physical or psychological threats, or to be loved) is getting listened to as well.
Let's have another example. If your boss never appreciates you, this may eventually cause you anger (anger is actually a secondary emotion in the emotional palette. pain or fear comes first, then anger on top of this - pain and fear are primary 'emotions'). Deep down you have a need to be appreciated by your boss, not ALL the time, but hey you work hard and you feel you need some attention, in short you need to be loved in some way (who doesn't). That part of you wants to tell your boss that she is out of order, however another part of you is in fear or upsetting your boss and either losing your job OR not getting a promotion. So instead you say nothing.
The problem with saying nothing is that over time the annoyance with your boss grows over time (you are bottling it up after all!). Eventually you start resenting your boss, which might create unnecessary conflict. It might even make you start hating work. You then start dreading go in to see your boss. This could build and build until you eventually really do lose your job, and almost definitely the promotion. Your boss isn't stupid (let's assume for the sake of argument at least!) so she senses your resentment, so promotion prospect is shot down in flames.
Now let's look at the authentic scenario. You have reached a state of being authentic and practised it so much that now you listen to ALL your emotions, feelings and thoughts. So sure you feel annoyed at your boss. You also still have the desire to confront her about it. Due to being authentic you haven't bottled up any of this annoyance too much, it's only been a few weeks and you've noticed your new boss doesn't appreciate you, and you've only just realise the pattern and consistency in their behaviour, so you've only been annoyed for a couple of perhaps. This level of annoyance isn't too extreme. It certainly isn't a rage yet! So you decide to be authentic. You ask if you can speak to your boss alone. You both sit down and you decide to say something. You say "Is it OK if I can be straight with you?". Now most people love this way of talking. Your boss is likely to say - "Yes, no problem. What's on your mind?". You might then say "I need to be honest here. It's just that I sometimes feel you don't appreciate me and it does upset me at times, and I feel demotivated when this happens". Notice that you're not attacking your boss, you're just being real with how you feel. (You're not attacking your boss because your level of annoyance is low, so you aren't going to blow a fuse, as you've dealt with it early on). Your boss will hopefully say "I'm sorry you feel this way. I really should appreciate you more".
I know I've made a LOT of assumptions here. However MY experiences of being authentic far more often run like this, rather than a negative outcome.
Sometimes being authentic WILL mean you will flip out and shout and lose your rag, however suppressing that anger would have led to a LOT more anger coming out later. So that is STILL of less intensity than it would have been. Being authentic reduces destructiveness greatly. More often than not things work out far better.
The process really does 'nip things in the bud' and resolves things straight away.
How does this self-respect happen? Well your authentic self is actually the WHOLE of your being. It is the darker depths, and the positives and the negatives. It is totally you. Warts and all. In short this authentic way of being means that you are TOTALLY LISTENING to your WHOLE self! You are not rejection or suppressing any part of yourself. You have no fear of ANY part of your self! You don't even fear your fear!
This means that the part of you that has 'needs' (e.g. the need to assert and protect yourself against physical or psychological threats, or to be loved) is getting listened to as well.
Let's have another example. If your boss never appreciates you, this may eventually cause you anger (anger is actually a secondary emotion in the emotional palette. pain or fear comes first, then anger on top of this - pain and fear are primary 'emotions'). Deep down you have a need to be appreciated by your boss, not ALL the time, but hey you work hard and you feel you need some attention, in short you need to be loved in some way (who doesn't). That part of you wants to tell your boss that she is out of order, however another part of you is in fear or upsetting your boss and either losing your job OR not getting a promotion. So instead you say nothing.
The problem with saying nothing is that over time the annoyance with your boss grows over time (you are bottling it up after all!). Eventually you start resenting your boss, which might create unnecessary conflict. It might even make you start hating work. You then start dreading go in to see your boss. This could build and build until you eventually really do lose your job, and almost definitely the promotion. Your boss isn't stupid (let's assume for the sake of argument at least!) so she senses your resentment, so promotion prospect is shot down in flames.
Now let's look at the authentic scenario. You have reached a state of being authentic and practised it so much that now you listen to ALL your emotions, feelings and thoughts. So sure you feel annoyed at your boss. You also still have the desire to confront her about it. Due to being authentic you haven't bottled up any of this annoyance too much, it's only been a few weeks and you've noticed your new boss doesn't appreciate you, and you've only just realise the pattern and consistency in their behaviour, so you've only been annoyed for a couple of perhaps. This level of annoyance isn't too extreme. It certainly isn't a rage yet! So you decide to be authentic. You ask if you can speak to your boss alone. You both sit down and you decide to say something. You say "Is it OK if I can be straight with you?". Now most people love this way of talking. Your boss is likely to say - "Yes, no problem. What's on your mind?". You might then say "I need to be honest here. It's just that I sometimes feel you don't appreciate me and it does upset me at times, and I feel demotivated when this happens". Notice that you're not attacking your boss, you're just being real with how you feel. (You're not attacking your boss because your level of annoyance is low, so you aren't going to blow a fuse, as you've dealt with it early on). Your boss will hopefully say "I'm sorry you feel this way. I really should appreciate you more".
I know I've made a LOT of assumptions here. However MY experiences of being authentic far more often run like this, rather than a negative outcome.
Sometimes being authentic WILL mean you will flip out and shout and lose your rag, however suppressing that anger would have led to a LOT more anger coming out later. So that is STILL of less intensity than it would have been. Being authentic reduces destructiveness greatly. More often than not things work out far better.
The process really does 'nip things in the bud' and resolves things straight away.
Comments
Post a Comment