The most authentic day of my life

The most authentic day of my life and how it lifted the darker / deeper depths of my depression. A possible shift? Is this a possible cure to my depression?

Did I mention that I lost my temper at a group of workmen? Well now I'm in trouble because I said that I would be TOTALLY honest with you. So here it is! Warts and all!

Total self-honesty leads to greater self-learning and I feel it's a path to curing or at least greatly reducing one's depression.

One of the issues of being authentic, is that if we have suppressed hurts and grievances from the past for a very long time then sometimes our emotional expressions of total honesty can also bring with it some of that baggage! Baggage is really just another way of saying "All the hurt and pain I've bottled up in my life so far".

Being authentic is like opening the bottle cap. This metaphor fits perfectly in this situation. I'm quite transparent aren't I! Seriously though the suppressed emotions of your total past are like gas in the bottle. So if you release the cap it's not just the most recent emotions that are expressed, some of the past emotions also get lumped in with that release.

This is why it's important to have counselling in order to release some of this gas from the bottle in a safe way. Until we empty the bottle sufficiently enough, our authentic way of being can have reactions that are over-reactions. Sometimes we THINK we've sorted a past hurt, but we haven't. So when someone does something to us, we not only react with the appropriate force, we also add in any baggage relating to a similar event or feeling in our past.

For example. I was bullied at work several years ago. It was brutal. This guy wasn't just someone giving banter or having a laugh. He was a proper sociopath that wanted to harm me. He was very manipulative, and had years of practise of being this way. I didn't have a chance! He had been at the company many years and he had ensured that he was friends with all the right people. For example he was very close to the head of HR and some other bosses much higher up. He had friends in high places! He accused me of 'deleting his print job' (I do not jest!). I had a verbal warning from HR! I was too young to stand up for myself. I complained and said it wasn't true, however he was friends with HR and he went to church every Sunday, so he wouldn't possible lie. Right? Lol. It's a dreadful world at times isn't it! Well this went on and on. Eventually I had a nervous breakdown. He totally psychologically damaged me. I returned to work two more times. I had a total of three nervous breakdowns over 3 years. My last breakdown has meant that I have been off work the last seven years with extremely low self-esteem and a feeling of failure. This has also harmed those that loved me, as they have felt painful seeing me in difficulty. I don't think I can blame this guy for all of my problems and I don't. However he was the one who finished me off and twisted the metaphorical knife leaving me in a pool of my own blood.

It has taken me years to start clawing back and I've been through hell and back.

Anyway I have a HUGE hang-up about bullies. What can I say, one of my close family was severely bullied and also became very ill (but luckily they are better now!). I didn't realise I had a hang-up about bullies until a couple of days ago. The day I now call 'The most authentic day of my life', and this is no exaggeration.

If I had had therapy about the bully baggage then I would have been empty in that area. I probably DO need to get over this somehow! It would be unkind for me to not get over it because it can cause suffering having baggage as we've said before.

Here is what happened:

I went on a course entitled 'positive psychology and mental health' in the morning. It went well. I was in a good place. I had something eat then drove home. Now for about 6 months there have been construction workers building a couple of blocks of flats opposite our house. It has been very noisy during the day and recently they've been parking all their trucks on the road which makes parking hard. I have been quite philosophical about all this. People need social housing, They need somewhere to live, so why not. So I really had come to terms with the noise. I was a bit irritated when I first learned they were going to build these flats, however I was now definitely OK about it.

About a week ago a huge lorry relating to the build had been turning in a road near me and I was turning my car around in this road. Anyway I had turned my car by now and I was waiting to drive to the junction, but the lorry was in the way. Fair enough. However he started reversing towards me and he seemed to want to barge me out of the way. This seemed inconsiderate. OK so I was annoyed. So I beeped my horn and drove off. Fair enough. Maybe I was an ass, but as I say I was being authentic in that moment.

A couple of days ago I parked my car opposite the building site (outside my house on the road). When I came out I noticed that they had thrown mud at my car windows. I knew this because the mud on that site is a specific colour (red) that isn't in on any of the other surface soil near by. Also the way the mud had splattered showed that it was thrown from opposite also. So the evidence was saying that it was definitely one of these guys. Anyway on one hand I deserved it! I was the ass that beeped my horn. If I hadn't been so stressed recently (from being suicidal last week) I probably would have reacted better to the mud flinging fiasco. Indeed I may have thought it irrelevant and maybe even amusing and deserved.

I felt very slightly annoyed about the mud flinging so let it go.

I had to go and make an appointment with my new GP (doctor). So I drove in to town (with muddied side window haha). I went in to the GP surgery and asked for an appointment (remember from previous posts that I have been severely messed around by my GP surgery and that I had had to threaten them with legal action (medical negligence) in order to get help for my mental health). So they were eventually playing ball and I got referred to a mental health team who referred me to a voluntary support team. This team however needed my GP to fill in and sign the registration forms. However my GP is off work, so the GP surgery told me that I needed to see a new GP because no other GP can fill it in until they 'get to know me' (i.e. they need to know about my condition in order to fill in the form). So basically I was back at square one. It had taken me many appointments to describe my mental health issues to my current GP. So I was annoyed. Anyway, so I made an appointment with a new GP and was told that there was a three week waiting list. I was annoyed but instead of being authentic (this was before I started being totally authentic) I said nothing.

Anyway I went to my car in the car park and sat in it. I was started to feel depressed. I had learned that morning in my 'mental health course' that some people have said that depression is just 'learned helplessness'. I was reflecting on this in my car. Was I being helpless? Surely not!?!?!?

I had got my GP appointment for 3 weeks time. So I had helped myself to what I needed surely? I was trying to work out what I was feeling. I meditated for a bit to reflect on my current state (emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations - a la 8-week mindfulness course). I was feeling angry! Why? I started thinking. Why am I angry? I was thinking "Why the f£$% should I wait three weeks after their complete and utter negligence!?!?!?". Wow there it was. The TOTAL truth of how I was feeling. I was not suppressing it. That was it. That was exactly where I was. No more forcing myself to 'be nice'. I had been 'playing' with being authentic sometimes, but something snapped in me. I was going to be TOTALLY authentic to how I felt right now. I thought "well what is being authentic right now?". Without needing to answer the question in words, I seemed to get up off the car chair without a need to force anything. It was true authenticity. I stormed over to my GP practice and I queued. Oh boy, the British love queuing... with our dumbassed stiff upper lip. There was only one lady in front at the receptionist's desk. She was moaning life an angry parrot on cocaine who hadn't been fed for three days! (good on her!!!). She was complaining. Good on her. Rebel against this British BS stiff upper lip.

The receptionist was pulling faces! She wasn't pleased. It was 10 minutes before the end of the day on a Friday! She had almost certainly had a hard week. The old 'nice' me would have thought "Well I mustn't complain now because she's just had a good telling off, and she seems tired". However the 'old' way of dealing with things was no longer tenable. Do deny myself the authentic me right now would mean that I would not get my needs met. I needed to bring that appointment forward by at least two weeks. I needed support from that voluntary team. I was suicidal last week, my life might depend on getting support! To be 'nice' now would be a potential life threatening situation... in short it would be suicidal to be nice at this point. Every molecule and synapse was screaming at me to be authentic in order to live... to TRULY live and to TRULY survive and to TRULY start escaping from this blackhole that has been sucking me further and further towards the event horizon for decades. This was my moment.

I went up to the desk. I started telling her how I needed to bring my appointment forward. She said "I'm sorry. There are no free spaces on the computer". [My blood pressure has just increased, and the vein on the side of my head (Stressed Eric) was starting to throb]. "I really need an earlier appointment". Her "Computer says no". Me: "OK so due to medical negligence by your surgery I DOT DOT DOT blah blah blah etc". Her: "OK, we'll try and fit you in. Call the practise manager on Monday and hopefully we can help". WOW WOW WOW! That felt good. My 'survival chip' was rejoicing. It was saying "Thanks for saving my life pal, it's about time. Thank you!".

I went back to my car feeling a great sense of strength and for the first time in a VERY long time I had a shimmer of self-esteem. The depression had lifted by a small amount. WOW! Asserting myself has alleviated my depression.

I suddenly remembered! I had turned the "Learned helplessness" on it's head! Was this why I was feeling less depressed?

So the scary 'white rapid' journey of authenticity was happening. I went to sit in my car again.

I was about to drive home. BOING! I really should drive home. BOING! Wow something is repelling me from returning home. I felt a complete block. What was it. BOING! I reflected. I couldn't go back because I felt like my self-esteem couldn't take a bashing by having more mud flung at my car. I couldn't take it. It was an impossibility. I sat in my car for an hour. The new found sense of strength had  now faded, at least on the surface level consciousness that was my present state of being!

I tried to rise above it. I realised that I should go back after all the builders have gone home. I should probably just wait. Be mature. Avoid a confrontation. Do the 'right' thing. Act in an emotionally 'mature' way and let it blow over. Yes. Great wisdom. That's what a 'good' and 'decent' person would do. So I waited and listened to the radio. I waited. And then BOOOOOOOM BOOOM BOOOOOM. MUSHROOM CLOUD. THERMONUCLEAR ASSERTIVENESS! BAM BAM BAM.

No way! I was absolutely furious! Why should _I_ avoid MY own house because of them! NO WAY!

I was slowly learning about this authentic way of being. Note that I wasn't realising that this is what it was yet.

I promised myself to be authentic about my reaction. I had learned from the GP thing earlier, that being 'helpless' only causes my depression. So I drove home. I parked outside. I sat in my car for a couple of minutes. What do I feel like? I could see four workmen in their joyous fluorescent jackets. Destiny was pointing them out to me (obviously haha!). I had to be authentic in order to avoid depression. Depression is SO painful that being authentic is the only way to alleviate it. So that was it. Every sell in my body... what do you want.

Well let's do it. Whatever happens happens. True authenticity is one of spontaneity in the present moment. I got out of my car. Would I turn in to my garden gate? Would I walk towards the workmen? My destiny was split. I just went with the spontaneous healing authentic flow. I walked over the the builders and I started shouting at them. "One of you f$%^ers thought it would be a good idea to throw mud at my car. How about if next time you do that I throw bricks through all YOUR car windows? How would you like that" - One of the workmen tried to interrupt me. "A piece of advice mate. Always let the angriest man speak first. You have your say later". One of the older guys said that it couldn't have been them. "We're all just guys in our fifties, all the guys on this site our are age. We wouldn't tolerate behaviour like that and we're not like that". He seemed genuine (authentic even!?).

I heard them out, and they were so sure that it wasn't anyone from their site. The evidence was so strong, however I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt. "Look this is the situation. I've had a very hard few months and a lot of crap has happened in my life recently that has really got to me. A lot of heavy stuff. I have a sneaking suspicion that I have totally overreacted here. Even if you DID throw the mud I should have just laughed. I really need to get my sense of humour back don't I? They laughed (with me!)". "Look guys, if you find my sense of humour lying round will you give it back to me. I'd really appreciate it". "Look I'm really sorry for accusing you. I believe that if I've done wrong and accused you unfairly that I should definitely apologise. I am sorry for accusing you guys. You seem OK". I now shook their hands through the metal mesh fencing. They said "Look don't worry about it mate". Another guy said "God, I feel like committing suicide now". He wasn't mocking me, he said it factiously, and I was fine with his honesty. They seemed OK and they seemed to accept my apology, mostly. One of them said "We should all probably just have a beer!".

I walked back to my house. I pondered for a couple of minutes. What was authenticity now? Without thinking, I grabbed four cans of beer (John Smiths). I walked back to where they now were and I gave them all a beer. They seemed happy about it and said thanks. I re-apologised to one guy and we joked about it.

So the journey of authenticity is very rocky. I feel I overreacted a tad! I later realised that this was due to my hang-ups on bullying. HOWEVER the miraculous thing was that my depression had lifted!!!! My self-esteem was strong. I had got angry but then made peace.

Because being authentic means listening to ALL of your emotions, it means you listened to 'good' and 'bad' emotions at the same time. So I could be angry, then apologetic, then funny, then kind, in the space of five minutes. No suppressing. Emptying occurring.

However with my new found strength and assertiveness, I feel that my baggage over bullies has reduced a fair deal because I've found inner strength to confront bullying. The resentment of something can fade when the fear of that something fades.

So on reflection. Being authentic IS a rocky road. However it is seeming to cure my depression! I am learning to fulfil my needs, or in short I am no longer suffering from 'learned helplessness'.

I still believe that being authentic is the way forward. In the evening I felt a TOTAL sense of authenticity. My unconscious mind, and indeed my mind at ALL levels now realised that being TOTALLY authentic was the only was to stop suffering, and was the only way out of my depression that has lasted for decades.

With my new found self-esteem it also seems that I don't care if people like me or not. If I flip out and they think I'm a complete and utter s£$%bag then so be it! When authenticity brings out love, then as we've said before that is now PURE love. So overall the pay-offs are FAR greater than the negatives.

I believe that over time my authenticity will become less volatile. This is because I feel that the fizzy bottle of 'bottled up' emotions will release and empty it's internal pressure. This will mean that there will be less and less baggage which will lead to less volatility on this path.

This was my first day of total authenticity. It was rocky, but it was the only way forward from now on. This was it. It was time to KEEP IT REAL!